


Proposal II

by glorious_spoon



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Bittersweet, Depression, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Post-Episode: s03e16 Stay With Me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-06
Updated: 2019-04-06
Packaged: 2020-01-05 20:45:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18373775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glorious_spoon/pseuds/glorious_spoon
Summary: The first time Alec asks, Magnus hesitates.





	Proposal II

The first time Alec asks, Magnus hesitates long enough to see the happy, hopeful light in his eyes begin to dim, and he feels like the cruelest kind of person for that, wonders if a short, blunt ‘no’ might be kinder. If it would be kinder to kill this beautiful thing Alec is offering him in a single blow rather than risk watching it wither and die.

That isn’t the answer he wants to give. But he can’t say yes, either. Not now. Not when everything is so raw that he can barely remember the boundaries of his own skin and bone. What can he possibly offer Alec like this? What can he offer anyone?

“I need… I need some time,” he says, finally, carefully. Alec isn’t fragile, has never been fragile, but neither is he immune to hurt. He doesn’t even hide it particularly well, although he’s trying.

Alec swallows twice, then says, “Okay.”

“I’m not saying no.” Magnus touches his hand. It’s very important that Alec understand that much at least. “I just--”

“I understand,” Alec says quickly. He flips the lid of the little box closed with his thumb and tucks it away so fast that it’s like a magician’s trick. Magnus watches with a twinge in his chest to see it go, but doesn’t stop him.

The rest of dinner is… awkward, but the walk home is surprisingly peaceful. Magnus pretends not to notice Alec fidgeting with something in his pocket, but eventually he reaches out and takes his hand, lacing their fingers together. Alec sighs, tilting his head up toward the night sky, and says, “I probably could have thought through the timing on that a little better, huh?”

“Don’t do that,” Magnus says gently.

Alec opens his mouth like he’s about to argue, then glances down at Magnus. Shuts it again. Smiles, just a little; it isn’t exactly happy, but it is a smile. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be. You haven’t done anything wrong.”

“Thanks,” Alec says quietly, and lifts their joined knuckles to his lips to kiss. The casual sweetness of the gesture makes something in Magnus stutter, shaky and hollowed out with a feeling that feels caught between joy and grief and something close to fear. “You’ll tell me, though, right? When you decide. Whatever you decide.”

Magnus looks over at him. He’s looking up at the sky again, the moonlight gilding his dark hair silver, sculpting shadows in the planes of his face, the hollow of his throat; he looks otherworldly, almost too vivid, too present, too _real_ when Magnus feels like a shadow that might shred apart and vanish any moment.

_Ask me again_ , he thinks.

Out loud, he says, “Of course I’ll tell you.”

*

Uncharacteristically, Alec doesn’t bring it up again. 

It itches at Magnus, even though it’s exactly what he asked for. Alec has been so damned solicitous of him. Oh, not in any way that an observer would notice, or at least he doesn’t think so. He teases Magnus over breakfast and asks him to weigh in on briefings when his expertise might be relevant and goes after him during their sparring sessions with a single-minded focus that makes Magnus want to slam him against a wall and ravish him, an impulse that he doesn’t always manage to resist. Alec treats him, in short, like normal, like he isn’t a fucking husk of a person, hollowed out of everything useful.

It’s not obvious that he’s being careful, is the point. But he is. Alec is stubborn about things he wants. He pushes, even when he knows better. Even when he expects the answer to be no.

He isn’t pushing now. It’s been three weeks, and he hasn’t so much as mentioned it. Nobody else has, either, and that’s almost more surprising; Alec is anything but subtle, and there’s no way that any of this was a secret to his family. The _Lightwood ring_ , for Christ’s sake. He had to at least have spoken to his mother, and of course Jace must have known, and Izzy, maybe even Clary—

None of them say anything, which means that Alec definitely threatened them into silence. Magnus doesn’t know what to make of that. There’s a part of him that wonders if Alec has realized yet what a colossal mistake he made in asking, now that the reality of what Magnus is now is sinking in. Now that he’s starting to see that he would be shackling himself to a man who can barely haul himself out of bed some mornings, who spends entire hours staring blankly at real estate listings but can’t seem to motivate himself to pick up the phone and call any of them, who picks at his meals and sleeps too much or not at all and whose nightmares keep them both awake—

_When you walk into a room, there’s a spark in you, magic or not, that lights up everyone and everything around you._

Maybe there was, once. But while that spark may not have been his magic, he certainly can’t seem to muster it anymore with it gone. Alec has to be able to see that.

_Ask me again_ , he thinks, late one night, leaning against the headboard with eyes that are aching and dry from exhaustion and watching Alec snore softly (adorably) into his pillow. He always sleeps sprawled out like a child, long limbs half-hanging off the bed, one arm curled under the pillow. He looks so terribly _young_ like this, and Magnus is ancient, and broken, and has nothing to offer now that makes up for any of that. _Ask me again,_ _so I know that you meant it._

It’s not something he could ever bring himself to say to Alec’s face, so he doesn’t, and Alec doesn’t ask again.

**Author's Note:**

> So this was... originally a much longer story with a less ambiguous ending, but the transition from here to there really didn't work, so. Magnus is not in a great place right now, but they'll get there eventually.


End file.
